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1-4-11

Bless my precious mom’s heart. She offered to try to fast to 3 days with me.
I told her no because she would have to get a doctor’s ok before going on a kind
of fast like that. She is on all kinds of medication and has to watch out for
dehydration (both concentration and fluid) because she does not have a colon
(which is necessary for reabsorption). But I just had to share what a wonderful,
selfless, loving mother I have. She puts me to shame.

I NEED HELP SO BAD but my oppression is my own fault. This
is what I get. The worst part is not having any assurance of salvation as I try
so hard to resist this nearly unbearable temptation

Why is it so hard to die to one’s self?

I can’t believe how easy it is to be deceived. It HAS to be God that is wanting
me to perfect a 3 day fast. There is no other explanation for what I experience
every time I take even one bite of food. When am I going to get it through my
thick head and heart? How much longer do I have to suffer so before I get it?!?
What really is scary is that if I was to die tonight, I do not have the
assurance that I would be “absent from the body, present with the Lord”. I don’t
know what to do when I blow it. Its as if what is happening is that I’ve bowed
to Satan?!? Its horrible. I am an idiot! I am so scared. How am I going to face
God?

It really sucks (excuse the expression) when no one takes me seriously – family
members, friends, church members (including elders and pastors). When I try
confessing my sins, sharing my problems and weaknesses with them, they don’t
believe me! They don’t take me seriously! How am I ever going to overcome
without their support? I never thought my life could ever get so dark…

I know that in the Bible fasting is supposed to be between a person and God
and not to be done like the hypocrites for men to see. But I have to share this
and ask for people to please remember me in prayer because I HAVE to attempt the
3 day fast again. I have to ask for prayer because nothing has ever been harder
for me to do so far. I’m afraid I won’t be able to endure it and I’m very very
worried that if I don’t do it I will ruin my relationship with God if I haven’t
ruined it already. I’m afraid I will end up in hell. Thank you so much.

Have you ever felt like you were in such big trouble with God that you were
afraid to go to Bible Study or church, or to even pray? Did it make you afraid
to be alone?

No one is probably going to believe me but I am totally in bondage, in
chains, driven and in a prison that I can’t seem to get out of. It is my own
fault. I should have never sought counsel in the first place to “confirm” or
“see” if God would really lead me to do what I felt He was leading me to so long
ago. Everyone I sought out did not believe that God would lead me thus (as has
been told over and over) yet as much as I appreciate their well-meaningness,
they were obviously all wrong. Only God can see the heart, the ‘reins’ of our
life, and the idols within. I am in a most dreadful condition. I wish I would
have obeyed perfectly this long ago when I still was able because now I don’t
know if I am able or can. (Or should I say I’m afraid that my heart has been
hardened just like Pharaoh’s was after my own hardening of it for so long).
There is a spirit “attached” to me somehow, I can feel the oppression upon
me which expresses itself in a myriad of ways. The worst part of it is feeling
the rebellion against God inside of me, I don’t want it there! I don’t want to
feel these things and all I can do is cry out for mercy, yet the heavens are as
brass (and not that they shouldn’t be?) and I don’t know how I can endure this.
I’m afraid that I’ve gone past the point of no return. Anyone who reads
this, please don’t ever make a mistake like I have.  I don’t know if there is
any hope for me. I’m serious.

No more church functions with food involved for me. At least for now.

I sure hope that what Dr. J. Vernon McGee always said is true, that God
doesn’t spank the devil’s children. What I am going though – I don’t know if it
is God spanking me or what but I am in a horrible place! In such pain in my
stomach (I have to assume from eating when I wasn’t supposed to?) and filled
with terror and anxiety, my nervous system is in overdrive…

But I am thankful that mom is here with us and that so far she is
ok…

How in the world do you explain to non-believing family members that you can not
eat when they are pushing and prodding you to eat? (anotherwords, how do you
explain to them that you are fasting and that God has commanded it?) I keep
giving in and eating because of my dad pushing me which means I am still in
disobedience. I need help! What can I say to him and others?!?